


Je M'apelle Marie

by Laramidian_Phantoms



Series: When So Many Have Died [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Closet Jefferson, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misgendering, Transphobia, censored slurs, coming out story, transfeminine Lafayette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:08:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5667190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laramidian_Phantoms/pseuds/Laramidian_Phantoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During a dinner with his sister Marie, Thomas reflects on their past and how so much has changed since they were little children.</p><p>TW: transphobic harassment from drag queens, implied emotional abuse.</p><p>era: edited the title so that it wouldn't get confused with another fic of the same name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Je M'apelle Marie

**Author's Note:**

> Major trigger warning for censored use of the t-slur. I am transgender and do not feel comfortable using the slur, so it is pretty censored. But please be careful. Nothing too physically damaging happens, but it was still a scene that I struggled to write. Keep yourselves safe.
> 
> Also, pretty much all the dialogue that don't happen in the restaurant is in French. I just don't trust my ability to use Google Translate correctly.
> 
> I also avoid pronouns for pre-out Lafayette, I apologize for the repetitive use of "Gil".

Thomas Jefferson was quite the sight to behold in the quiet coffee shop that evening: his kinky black hair radiating out from his head as he gently readjusted his shimmering royal blue blazer that covered a faded “The Who” t-shirt. He leaned back, resting his hand on the table in front of him. A few ladies from the front counter turned to look back at him and waved. He waved back, grinning and showing a polite amount of his white, glistening teeth. The ladies giggled and turned away, stealing glances from the charming man. He sighed and looked out the window, smile fading slowly.

 

_ Damnit, where is she,  _ he thought. He started tapping the table again when someone cleared their voice. Thomas whipped his head around and was greeted by his twin sibling: the glorious, ever-radiant, Marie Lafayette. She was stunning in her black leggings and the paint-splattered dress she wore under her black leather jacket. She still had on some of the intense makeup from a photo shoot with Hercules. She swiftly sat down and grinned at Thomas.

 

“ _ Mon cher _ ,” she started. “It is lovely to see you again.”

 

“ _Enchante_ ,” Thomas lightly replied, examining her closely as she looked around. He had missed her presence, being in New York for school while she was gone on exchange to France. He would soon be going as well, but she had managed to get into the program sooner. “How was Paris?”

 

“Lovely, absolutely wonderful. It’s indescribable. It’s very much like being in a story,” Marie responded, smiling. “And Adrienne, oh Adrienne, she is as beautiful as when we first met her.”

 

Thomas grinned. “So I see your princess is still yours?”

 

Marie smiled. “Oh, she is so much more than a princess.”

 

***

 

“Tommy, why can't I be the pretty princess this time?” Gilbert whined at Thomas from below the top bunk of their bunk bed. Thomas stuck his tongue out at the wanna-be princess.

 

“I want to be the glamorous one,” Thomas snarled back.

 

“But it's  _ my _ dress,” Gilbert replied, stomping and gripping the ladder of the bed. Gilbert was climbing up now, and Thomas was laughing nervously. He was scared of what Gilbert would do, the last time he had refused to let Gilbert dress up there was a shrieking match, which brought their father into the room. He didn't take so well to the tu-tu Gilbert had brought from their mom’s house.

 

“Gil, I'll give you the dress in a few minutes, I promise,” Thomas said, backing away from the edge.

 

“But Tommy,” Gilbert hissed, “you've been the princess all day.”

 

“Just five more minutes?” Thomas grinned, but Gilbert was having none of it. Gilbert lunged for the skirt, and Thomas shrieked. A full-on war was launched in the top bunk, and Thomas wasn't looking out for the edge. He pushed Gilbert away, and he realized his mistake when Gilbert fell past the mattress--

 

***

 

A loud screech was heard from a kettle near the front, and Thomas jumped. Marie took her brothers hand.

 

“Tommy, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I was just startled,” he responded, grimacing at her continued use of “Tommy”. Especially after remembering the fall. He looked at her hairline and could see a faint scar from the incident. Marie sighed and Thomas returned his attention to her. “As you were saying, Adrienne is more than a princess?”

 

Marie smiled, then looked down at the table. Thomas smiled as well.

 

“Lafie, did you…”

 

“I took her to the Louvre and pretended to faint in front of the statue of Psyche and Cupid, and said that ‘I would be revived if she would marry me’. And revive me she will.” Marie was grinning now, her eyes alight. Thomas laughed, smiling as well.

 

“You are such a nerd,” Thomas said. “A terrible, funny nerd.”

 

“That’s what Adrienne said,” Marie responded, blushing. “And then we got kicked out for being a ‘disturbance’.”

 

Thomas was keeled over the table, tears forming in his eyes. “Oh my god, that’s great,” he breathed out, and he looked up at Marie. Her smile doubled, and Thomas grinned.

 

“I am so happy for you,” he said, sitting up. “We should celebrate.”

 

“I agree,” Marie replied. She stood up. “Should we go get some food,” she asked, taking Thomas’ hand. He nodded, and stood up as well.

 

***

 

The cussing from their father echoed in Thomas’ mind as he sat in the waiting room of the hospital. Tears streamed down his cheeks as his mother came in and rushed toward him.

 

“Thomas! Where is your fa-”

 

“Police took him,” he replied. “They think he hurt Gil.”

 

“ _ Mon dieu _ ,” she lightly said, standing. “What wou-”

 

“Gil and I were arguing and I pushed Gil off the bed and then baba came up and started screaming and grabbed me,” Thomas spilled, gently touching the bruise on his upper arm. “Gil gripped baba’s leg to try and stop him and dad stepped on Gil.” He hung his head low. He doesn’t remember when his mother left, but when he opened his eyes again he was alone in the waiting room.

 

***

 

Thomas was now waiting in line with Marie, who was looking out the window at a shop across the street. Thomas followed her gaze and saw what had drawn her attention: A consignment shop with a trans pride flag hanging off of the awning, with a sign beneath it that said “Free Clothing Exchange: 4-8PM Every Tuesday” on it.

 

“I’ll have to donate there,” Marie said, smiling.

 

“You still have some of your old clothes?”

 

“Yeah. Hercules doesn’t fit them, he’s too short,” Marie said, smiling. “I actually have them in the back of my car, could we drop them off when we finish dinner?”

 

Thomas smiled. “Of course, Marie.”

 

***

 

The Pride Rally in their city was always a time of tumultuous fanfare and chaos, which Thomas did his best to avoid at all costs. He hated crowds, and would have just been curled up in his room watching Jurassic Park while eating mac and cheese had Gil not asked him to come along. And so here he was, being dragged through a raucous crowd at the tail-end of the school year, being side-eyed by flamboyantly-dressed butch lesbians and drag queens. It was more crazy than Mardi Gras, which even after Katrina had still managed to be insane. Thomas  intentionally made his outfit look as straight as possible, although Gil’s heavy eye makeup and light sundress essentially reversed what Thomas was going for.

 

He was offput by Gil’s vibrant flamboyancy. It had been tolerable when they were young children, before the divorce. But between studying for finals, getting scholarships, and preparing to go to New York for college, Thomas didn’t have much time to let himself get familiar with who Gil was becoming and was losing his desensitization to Gil’s eccentricities, as he thought of them. And recently, Gil had been distant, hiding up in the bedroom whenever Thomas visited Maman.

 

When he picked Gil up, he was shocked by the sundress and makeup. Gil’s hair was down. He shook his head as Gil entered into the car.

 

“What, is there something wrong with what I’m wearing?”

 

“No, it’s just…” Thomas was hesitant to continue. But the longer that Gil stared at him waiting for an answer, the more he knew he was digging himself into a hole. “It’s just unusual,” eventually stumbled out of his lips, and Gil sighed nervously. But Gil’s nervousness had gone away once they reached the parade. Thomas, on the other hand, was still gripping the steering wheel after Gil opened the passenger door.

 

“You’re not going to catch the gay from being among them,” Gil said dryly, accompanied by a slight frown. Thomas’ face flushed with embarassment as two people passing by looked at the car. He stumbled out and was taken by Gil, who was now winding through--

 

Thomas suddenly stopped and ran into Gil, who was staring at a heavily-done-up drag queen dressed like a male peacock, who was gawking.

 

“Awww, it’s Marie!” The drag queen stepped forward, and Gil stared.

 

“Hello, Pleaz Cock,” Gil said dryly. The drag queen side-stepped, looking Thomas up and down. He looked down at his feet, when Pleaz Cock spoke again.

 

“So, is this your boy toy, you tra-”

 

“No, I’m not his boyfriend,” Thomas interrupted. he looked away, blushing uncomfortably. He didn’t come to Pride to be hit on, he came to support his-

 

“OhhhhhHOOOOO,” the drag queen said, grinning in a way that made Thomas’ gut wrench uncomfortably. “We have ourselves a fake tr***y!”

 

Thomas turned to Gil, who was looking at Thomas with large, scared eyes. Tears were forming, and Thomas turned back to the drag queen.

 

“You don’t know him!” Thomas walked toward the drag queen, who laughed.

 

“Well he obviously doesn’t know himself, the poor f*g,” the drag queen said. Thomas turned back to Gil, who was currently charging at the drag queen. The attack failed when Gil’s leg got caught in a nearby feather boa being worn by another drag queen dressed as an Amazonian warrior, and both toppled down. The Amazonian warrior’s friend turned around and stared at Thomas, who was looking between Pleaz Cock and Gil, who was shaking on the ground. He crouched down as the toppled drag queen rolled off of Gil.

 

“Are you okay, G-” he was interrupted by an upset Gil.

 

“Sh!” Gil looked at Thomas angrily, but the flash of fear from Gil’s eyes chilled Thomas. They both stood up, Gil staring at Pleaz Cock, who was now flanked by the two Amazonian warriors.

 

“Leave, you little tr***y whore,” Pleaz Cock said, spitting on Gil’s face. Thomas stepped forward, balling his hands into fists.

 

“Hey, no one calls m-” Thomas was interrupted by another “Sh!” from Gil, who was wiping off the spit. The makeup smeared with it. He looked between Gil and the drag queens, who were popping their knuckles defensively.

 

“And you, Mr. Fake, can fuck off,” Pleaz Cock said again. Thomas growled, and turned back to Gil.

 

“Let’s go,” he said. Gil nodded, and took Thomas’ hand as Thomas marched through the crowd. He looked back, and the smile that Gil had been wearing throughout the parade to that point was gone. It was replaced instead by mascara-stained tears and smeared lipstick. Thomas looked around for a quick escape route, and within a few minutes was bringing Gil towards a small side awning.

 

“Hey, hey, shhhh,” Thomas calmly said as Gil lost full composure. He pulled his twin close and ignored the humid summer heat, and whether or not anyone saw him holding Gil. His internalized homophobia could wait, Gil needed a hug.

 

“I thought I was safe here,” Gil sobbed, burrowing into Thomas’ shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry,” Thomas calmly responded. He didn’t know what else to say. He wanted to ask Gil what had happened, if there was anything that he could do to help. He wanted clarification; he wasn’t sure if he should be feeling guilty every time he thought of his twin as ‘Gil’. He guessed that right now was not a good time to ask.

 

***

 

“Dad’s still harassing me,” Marie said, poking her chicken with a fork. Thomas groaned.

 

“I thought he said he was done with you,” he said, exasparated.

 

“Nope, he still calls me every now and then,” she replied. “Just to remind me how much I’ve failed him.”

 

Thomas looked down at his food, then back up at Marie. “You haven’t failed him, he failed you.” Marie’s frown loosened a little, and Thomas took her hand.

 

“I’m serious. You have no obligation to listen to him or to do what he says. He doesn’t know you, and you’ve given him enough times to try and get to know you.” Thomas stroked his thumb over her knuckles.

 

“You’re probably right,” Marie replied, stabbing at her chicken again. “It’s just hard, especially after Maman...” A silence grew between the twins.

 

“I miss her, too,” Thomas finally whispered. He looked down at the table, trying to not let the tears fall. He felt another hand on top of his, and he looked at Marie, who was now holding onto his hand with both of hers.

 

“But at least I’ve got you,” she said, smiling. Thomas nodded timidly.

 

***

 

He wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but as Gil’s sobs decreased into occasional hiccups, Thomas’ anxiety about being seen was growing. He looked around nervously, not seeing anyone he knew. The drag queens were nowhere in sight, thankfully. He tapped Gil’s shoulder, and Gil looked up. Gil’s face was a mess, and even though Thomas hadn’t seen Gil for more than a few hours at most in the past few months, he knew that Gil wouldn’t want people seeing the smeared makeup and tears.

 

“We should probably go home,” Thomas said. “I don’t want people to see you like this.”

 

Gil pushed Thomas away. “Shut up.”

 

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way-”

 

“You just don’t want me like this at all,” Gil snapped back, gesturing towards the dress.

 

“No, not like-”

 

“You’re just like them,” Gil said. “Like those drag queens, like father, like everyone!” Gil pushed Thomas aside and walked away. Thomas turned and walked towards his twin.

 

“Gil,” he called out, and Gil turned around.

 

“Please, just stop,” Gil said, staring at Thomas, “I don’t want your disapproval.”

 

“Gil, I don’t disapprove of you,” he responded. “I never have and I never will. You’re my brothe-”

 

“I’m not your brother,” Gil muttered quietly, looking down at the ground.

 

Thomas thought he didn’t hear Gil right. “Wait, can you repe-”

 

“I’m not your brother,” Gil said a little louder, followed by a distressed hiccup. “I never was.” Gil leaned against the wall, arms folded and head down. Thomas looked in confusion at Gil.

 

“...So, who are you,” Thomas finally asked. He knew what the t-slur meant, and he remembered that Gil was called Marie by Pleaz Cock. The outfit, the nervousness, it would make sense if Gil actually was transgender.

 

“Does it matter?” Gil looked up at Thomas. “You are uncomfortable with gay people, probably even worse than Father. If I told you who I was, you’d stop wanting to be around me even for the little you’re around for because I’m a freak.” A small sob interrupted Gil’s speech. “But it’s too late, it seems.”

 

Thomas knew that his mouth was open, and that he probably looked bewildered and shocked. But deep inside, he was angry. Not at Gil, of course, but at himself. Angry because he had been so busy that he hadn’t seen Gil enough. Angry that he hadn’t tried to learn about Gil’s increasing interest in sexuality and gender. And, finally, angry that he had let it get to the point that Gil was comparing him to Father. Thomas never wanted to make Gil feel the way that Father made Gil feel, especially after the divorce. Thomas slowly closed his mouth and swallowed, his dry tongue sticking to the inside of his mouth.

 

“I’ll walk home,” Gil whispered, and Gil turned to walk away, but Thomas gently tapped Gil’s arm. Gil looked at Thomas.

 

“I don’t care how uncomfortable the truth will make me,” Thomas said. “You’re my twin. And you’re important to me, even if the past few months haven’t really shown anything for it.”

 

Gil looked at Thomas for several moments, silent hiccups occasionally making Gil shiver. Thomas looked down at the ground.

 

“If I can fix anything, or if there’s anything I can do to help you, I want to know,” Thomas said. “I don’t want to lose you, regardless of how you identify.” There was a long pause. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

 

Gil stared at Thomas some more, tears welling up again. Thomas backed away, pulling his keys out of his pocket.

 

“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, I completely understand. But I don’t want more people harassing you,” Thomas said. After a few moments, Gil stepped toward him, and Thomas began to walk slowly back to his car. Gil took a light hold of Thomas’ arm. They got to the car and started driving back to Maman’s in silence, Gil occasionally hiccuping. At a particularly long red light, Thomas cleared his throat.

 

“So, uh, who are you,” Thomas quietly asked. “I don’t want to make any assumptions anymore.”

 

“...Even if I say that I’m your sister?” Thomas turned to Gil, who was staring out the window. Thomas let out a long sigh. His gut reaction was to pester Gil with questions, but he knew that it was his turn to listen.

 

“Even if you say that you’re my sister,” Thomas softly replied. Gil looked at him, and the twins were silent. The light turned green and Thomas looked away from Gil as a car behind them honked. Thomas began driving again, passing through the business district of New Orleans.

 

Gil was the next to interrupt the silence. “What if I say that my name is Marie?”

 

Thomas nodded. “Even if you say your name is Marie.” Thomas let Gil’s new name bounce around in his head. He let it silently slide between his lips. It was a pretty name. It fit… he looked at his twin, who was fiddling with the hem of the dress. In that instant, Thomas couldn’t see his twin brother Gil anymore. He loved Gil, but Gil wasn’t Gil anymore.

 

Her name was Marie.

 

***

 

Thomas followed Marie into the secondhand shop, carrying a bag of Marie’s old clothes. Two teenagers with brightly colored hair recognized Marie and smiled. Thomas set the bag down on the counter as he looked around. There were pride flags lining the walls, and he saw two teenagers across the small shop. They were both trying on dresses, and the one with short, brown hair wore a smile as bright as the one Marie started wearing when he first called her Marie. He didn’t realize how much time passed until Marie tapped his arm. Thomas turned to look at her, and the two teenagers behind the counter giggled.

 

“What,” he asked, smiling.

 

“Nothing, just telling these two how much of a wonderful dork you are,” she responded. Thomas grinned.

 

“I try,” he responded.

 

“And somehow you are the best of men, best of brothers,” she said, and Thomas smiled. Marie turned to the teens at the desk and waved goodbye, taking her brother’s hand and leading him out the door. They stopped just outside of the awning and looked back at the trans pride flag, waving in the evening breeze.

 

“Look at how lucky we are to be alive right now,” Marie said, and Thomas felt a pang of bittersweet happiness jump up to his throat. He hugged Marie and pushed away the unimaginable, the nightmares he now had about Marie’s safety.

 

“Indeed,” he said, letting her go. “See you later,” he asked tentatively.

 

Marie smiled. “Of course, Adrienne is flying in next week and I want you to meet her.”

 

Thomas grinned. “Excellent,” he said. “I have someone I want you to meet, too.”

 

“Oh?” Marie’s eyebrows rose up. “Do I have a right to know who?”

 

“It’s a surprise,” Thomas replied. Marie chuckled.

 

“Well, I’m sure whoever it is I’ll love them. I’ll see you next week” she said, smiling. Thomas felt his heart pounding in his chest as he turned to walk away. When he got to his car, he pulled out his silenced phone and saw a text from James Madison.

 

**From: Maddest Hatter**

**How was lunch with Marie?**

 

**To: Maddest Hatter**

**It went well :) she’s engaged!**

 

**From: Maddest Hatter**

**Nice!**

 

**To: Maddest Hatter**

**I’m meeting her fiance next week, and I want you to come with me.**

 

**From: Maddest Hatter**

**Really? Are you ready for this?**

 

Thomas looked at the texts, and smiled.

 

He was ready for this.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblrs: @rambleton and @laramidianphantoms
> 
> If you want to beta read, please let me know!


End file.
